I did what?! 

Yep, ladies and gentlemen that's right.  

I COMPLETED THE FORM

Oh brother, what am I thinking?

So - I guess I'm going to the YSA ward. 

Erm, funny story about that one. 

I feel rather spiteful though, filling out that form. 

[SEE Stephen I can do this - HA!]

Okay, sorry I had too. 

So you're probably all wondering what any of this has to do with lemonade. 

Well, I drove around today - for 45 min, 

looking for what?

Lemonade. 

Some small child should have had a lemonade stand, 

so that I could buy some and have  a nice tasty drink.

And as I drove around, 

I had this stupid form sitting on the seat next to me. 

I thought and I thought and I thought about it. 

You see, because this form has been my own personal brand of....

if you were expecting me to say heroine tsk tsk. 

Anyways, back to reality - my own personal brand of lemons. 

So I thought, well life has given me a lemon, 

so I will go find some lemonade. 

The thing is, 

I couldn't find any. 

And as I sat and thought, 

I said to myself, 

why is this a lemon?

This isn't a lemon at all really, it's lemonade. 

At least, that's what everyone tells me. 

So....

all in all I think I had my lemonade after all, 

metaphorically speaking. 

Well that's all folks. 

I like you. 

I miss you. 

I hate you. 

Forgive you?

From three words to two, 

I'm not quite sure, but I do. 

Dreams blend, 

but all this has to end.

It's ours, 

but it's not. 

No excuse, 

but wait 'til it's right. 

Just trying, 

to figure out life. 

Steal breaths, 

three times as fast,

beats in a chest. 

Instinct kicks and it bites,

drowning, running away, 

just whispers 

at night. 

Trying to hide, 

what we all dream. 

Starting a new day, 

because it has to be done. 

Waiting 'til sun, 

a set or a rise? 

I cannot say, 

I cannot decide. 

For now, 

just wait. 

Pause and rewind. 

a cartoon for your viewing pleasure by: Emma Marie

-please do not use without permission-

Housing: $2,840

Tuition: $2,210

Food: $1,000+

Books: $200

Staying up 'til midnight to click the add button: Priceless

Aw. It's gonna be one fun semester :)

I'm getting REALLY excited! 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me. 

She may have been indifferent, but that is simply because she is shy. 

Really, she hardly shows her true feelings to anyone.
So what if I let you in?
So what if I let you see what I don't let anyone else see?
Do you know I am completely open and honest with you?
 Things I don't tell anyone else. 

Sometimes I wish this was really "ours",

but here are just some dreams
from a conversation that seems from so very long ago.
Dreams I sorta fell in love with.

But I know, I know, you have other dreams to figure out
-- I just wish I didn't get left behind sometimes.
Try to let me down easy okay?

Child's Rock Climbing Wall - French Doors - Beautiful Library - Understairs Aquarium - Master Bathroom - Lab Puppy - 
Porch Swing - Entryway Tile - Green Accent Wall - Kitchen - Frames- Aquarium Hotel Room

By: Emma Marie.

Dear fellow readers, 

this is what I love - right here.

~Photography~ 

Taking photos for fun people. 

I get to show them how beautiful they are, 

I get to spend at least an hour with them, 

I get to try lots of fun new ideas out (like that mirror one), 

and I get to spend hours of time editing to make pictures look perfect. 

Obviously I still have much work to do, 

but thought I'd share some --

and make a shot out to Eve & Amanda. 

Thanks for the fun shoot :)

Love, 

Emma

p.s. If you're interested in photos, message me for information. 

Confession #1: I am thrifty. 

I refuse to buy anything unless I really love it &/or it is really inexpensive. 

Even if I did love it. I wait.

 Like those shoes, I waited three months for those, crazy I know. 

Basically, I'm a deal hunter. 

See that white t-shirt? $2, 

See that skirt? $4
See that belt? $0.50

See those shoes? $10

See that necklace? $1

See that lace undershirt? $1

See that face? Priceless. 

Ya - I know, ridiculous.

Confession #2: The YSA ward scares me. 

It's not that it is full of scary people, or creepers (at least most of them ;])

But, it means I have to be a brave little soul again. 

There are lots & lots & lots of new people. 

Really it means entering "real life" or at least this new part of it. 

It scares me. It does. 

So I bought a new skirt to help me be brave and face the world. 

Tell me, does it matter that I'm so thrifty?

Tell me, does this skirt say, "Hi, I'm Emma. I'm fun, friendly and really nice. Let's be friends?"

I hope so. I hope so. 

Brave little Emma, here I go - YSA 261, yes ward, here I come. 

Really.....what I keep thinking is of a line from a song, 

"And every magazine tells her she's not good enough, 

and the pictures that she sees make her cry"

Why do I keep thinking this?

Because I think about, 

and think who gets to decide what beautiful is?

Not them. 

Not them with photoshop. 

Not them with fancy lighting. 

Not them. Not them. Not them. 

It's all about what they never say. 

They never say - Look at this girl where we photoshopped her wrinkles so you'll buy our product, 

because really that's what we all dream -insert product name here- will do. 

It could. 

You never know. 

But right now, we think you should look like this, 

of course, with our product. 

The thing is this, 

I think the girl on the left is just as beautiful as the girl on the right. 

You want to know why?

Because imperfections make people beautiful. 

So be proud of who you are. 

Forget all those ridiculous images, 

they're all fake anyways.

That's my favorite thing about photography - 

I get to show people, 

they are more than that kind of beautiful. 

So don't judge me too much - with my acne scars and tired eyes, 

because it reminds me. 

I am Emma. I am human. I am imperfect. 

Sometimes I sit and think too much. 

Actually, most times I sit and think too much. 

About what you ask - about nothing or everything at once. 

My mind goes over the images in my head of things I don't want to remember anymore.  

Swimming in a million memories of faces long forgotten.

The silly thing is that I know it's not really images up there. 

Really what it is are tiny little neurotransmitters bouncing back and forth telling me this: 

 I like you or that I'm sad or that I'm angry....

or that really I am happy, the chemicals just haven't built up enough to tell me that yet. 

Really all I'm feeling are electrical impulses being switched on and off - 

kind of like morse code to tell me how to feel. 

Well brain - I don't want to feel this way, 

so deal with it. 

Supposedly, it's supposed to be mind over matter, 

but if your mind doesn't matter, then is it matter over mind? 

Matter doesn't really matter though and then all your left with is your mind that comes before matter, 

but really the mind doesn't matter so in the end all your left with is nothing, correct? 

Supposedly.  

So really all this something really is nothing. 

So as I sit and think with my mind about nothing - 

I get lost in my safe place. 

The place where inside I can work everything out. 

But the thing is this mind won't let me work it out. 

You don't work out - even in my dreams you don't work out. 

There is always something -- that keeps me -- keeps me from you. 

Construction work, cell phones ringing, getting hit by a bus, headlights, rainstorms. 

I've tried to work it out and it just won't work. 

Safe place, are you just trying to keep me safe?

Really, though safe place it's too late, why?

Because you wanna know how I feel? I feel hurt. 

I let someone in. 

I let them in and I trusted them. 

I fell in love with their dreams. 

I liked them. 

I'm happy when I'm with them. 

I smile. 

I laugh. 

I talk. A lot. 

But at the end of the day, in the back of my mind, that safe place where I lock everything away, 

it knew better.

 It knew that this was a bad idea and thing that scares me the most -

 is that I don't know how to walk away. 

My first instinct? Run. 

So here I am running to my safe place. 

Where I think a lot - and I try to work it out. 

I try to make it fit....

but really all this thinking about nothing

with a mind that doesn't matter

and matter that doesn't mind because it's nothing. 

Just leaves me hurting with nothing to show for it. 

So safe place....take me away, please?

I'm brave enough now. 

I've tried to put this into words, 

but I am at a loss, for once.

So, this is my evolution of thought.....

curiosity -- happiness -- shy smiles

Oh self, what were you thinking?

Oh yeah, you were thinking of him. 

Patience. Patience. 

Just keep holding my hand while I wait, k?

Maybe? Yes?

Because even though I'm scared of falling, 

it's worse to think you won't be there forever. 

So, please, just know, it's okay with me. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me. 

By: Emma Marie.

You would think after yesterday, 

that I would be hurt or upset or something. 

But the only thing I wanted to do.....

was talk to someone else. 

You weren't that someone else - and you never will be. 

I realize that. So this is where I quit. 

I just want to pause. rewind...and have a chance to start over. 

This isn't who I am. 

And the only reason it is, is because I tried to be something I'm not. 

I've been thinking about all the time I've let go by sitting on that couch. 

Wasted time - because in the end, it won't mean anything. 

And I know it doesn't mean so much to you now, nor do I have the time to wait and see if it will. 

I can't be here forever. 

It means so much to me though, and not in the way you'd think.

You're just another boy who never thought of me.

I'm aware of that. 

But last night I just kept thinking of someone else. 

Supposedly I'm not to care about what others think, 

but let's face it - you have too. 

You say you don't - but you always have. Always. 

I have to care too though - it's the same reason I spent all this time running. 

You have to care what others think.

I think of The Fountainhead.

Howard Roark, how'd you do it?

The message from that book is in challenging society in the end, he still got what he wanted. 

He had to fight until the end though and.....

And I don't want to fight anymore. 

I quit. I quit. 

So let the world spin madly on.

And let The Weepies tell you....

this is how i feel. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Dear Idiot Self, 

WHY DID YOU NOT START STUDYING FOR THE AP WORLD TEST SOONER?

It's the entire world's history for crying out loud....roughly 4,000 + years of history. 

Did you think you could memorize it all in one night?

Yes, yes, yes I suppose you did. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

For crying out loud it took God seven days to create the earth and you thought in seven hours you could memorize ever dynasties, governments, social classes, human beings, calamities, wars, whatevers - way it came into existence and how it happened? 

Well.......maybe you thought wrong. 

Ah, but perhaps maybe you thought right?

Perhaps. Perhaps. 

So self, get studying. 

Pray for me?

--Love, Self

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, confused by the grace that so fully he proffers me."

 In all honesty, I have never really had a  love for the song "I Stand All Amazed" -- but that was simply because it never meant that much to me. I came to a point today where everything I've worked for this past year was hanging on the edge of a few stupid decisions and procrastination. I don't think that I've been that scared in a long time. I couldn't really stand and I couldn't really sit, I couldn't really pace and the only place that I could find myself was on my knees praying to my Father to help this work out.

For those of you who are in college, or for those of you who aren't -- professors don't usually make deals with students. If you didn't do/be where you were supposed to be, tough luck. Today though one of the well-known merciless professors, was gracious. I do not know why he decided to do that, but I do know who was behind it all. For that I just have to say, Thank You. 

You know I have always wondered why Heavenly Father loves me so much, I see his children every day and say of course he loves them - look at them, how wonderful they are. Or I look at someone who is struggling and say, do not bless me today, give it to them instead - I can do this on my own. 

The wonderful thing is, that the Lord never leaves you. Yes, it is incredibly hard to stand and say I will learn what you want me to learn, I will be what you want me to be and if you think I can overcome this challenge than by golly I can do this. It's hard to find yourself somewhere where you have to let him guide your life and you be an instrument, but it begs the question, was it really ever your life in the first place?

Today I came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father knows you so well, that he knows that the precise moment when you will not be able to stand anymore, so that when you fall he can show you He is still there and He still cares. I have a very dear friend of mine who is trying to live life without God. I cannot begin to fathom how that is even possible. In my life I spend a lot of my day learning about things that most would consider rather boring, or even gross, or even an incidental mishap in the world that it such a tiny piece of it, it doesn't matter. Have you thought about how a neuron works? It is this little impulse conduction cell and there are millions of them and inside of them there are tiny little ions, and inside of those are subatomic particles and inside of those are sub sub atomic particles and it's just endless, it something from nothing, but it's not nothing it is something. How could there not be a God? Evolution you say? So who made the Monkey that evolved from moss? Who made the moss? Who made the living cell that made the moss? Who made the planet? The big bang? What created the universe so that this big bang could have something to bang up? It's just incredible to me. 

Granted thinking about all of life in this perspective makes me quite minuscule, in fact it makes me feel less important than the moss, because hey, humanity didn't evolve from me - what'd I do? And then I think, I am His child, that's what I did. I decided to come to this earth to help people and be something and gain greater light. The moss isn't going to start glowing anytime soon I would presume, so I think that makes me and the rest of you pretty important.  

When I look at people, I can see the light in their eyes, in your eyes. Now, not to be cheesy, but The Lion King, He lives in you -- and I'm not talking about Mufasa here. So what do you do with that light? I thought a lot today about if I had to write a thank you letter to my Heavenly Father what would I say? Would I write about being cooler than moss? Would I thank him for the little things like sub sub sub atomic particles? Would I thank him for using me as an instrument? Would I thank him for blessing someone else and letting me struggle a little bit more? .....and how would he write back?

The only question I could really come to answer was this, that His letter would start "My child, my child, my Emma". The picture with this post is a sketch by David Bowman, entitled "My Child" (which I didn't actually discover until today).  It is one of my favorites, because it is how I picture Christ coming and hugging each and everyone of us. He will come and He will know you -- because he knows you now, but do you know him?   

All I can say is that I can't wait for the day when I will hear that familiar voice say, "My child, my child, my Emma" -- as he will pull me into a warm embrace, and say "welcome home, I have missed you, oh how I love you" -- and then as I will be able to watch as my brothers and sisters come home and receive the same wonderful welcome, what a great day that will be. 

I know this has been a long post, but I felt I needed to share some thoughts. 

I know that god lives and that he loves us and he knows each of us personally, these past couple of weeks that phrase has been tried and tested over and over again and it still proves true. 

He lives and why he lives all sing, He lives my prophet, priest and king. 

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to be ridiculously cynical and frustrated for this post....so, if you don't want to read it just disregard it - for now though, I'm going to vent.
That is all - end of message 
---------------

I want a scene where the music is blasting,where everyone smiles and waves at you -
where you smile at the person across from you because at the end of the day, you're the person they wanted to be there with - where ever there is. And every promise that was every bragged about are truly meant and kept. Where outside was in and inside was out - and everything that actually mattered came first.

My life has always seemed to be a little more hectic than normal. Going to school Monday-Saturday for 50 hours a week and then scrambling over whatever other project I've gotten myself involved in - plus friends, callings, working ten hours a week and babysitting for my family, it really doesn't give me much time to breathe anymore. Thank goodness it's almost over. UVU ends next week, THS ends in 34 days.

Don't get me wrong I loved high school, simply because I love learning.
I just hate the end of it where you have to be something or someone or even just yourself.
Any of the above options seem impossible hard, and for what, does it matter?
I mean lets face it in the end were all going to go our separate ways ...and see each other in 15 years when we have to go to those reunions. And are we really going to show up anyways? Well yes, I am, but still.

Sometimes I think that life is so fake. It's a test of something else, and when are tests ever reality.
There is a life beyond this test, right? Yes. I am inclined to believe there is.
And when it seems like every movie has a "Happy Ending" - I keep asking, can't I have mine for once?
Maybe I'm just not a happy person...so that therefore exempts me from such endings. 

I'm not sure anymore, I'm not really sure.

The thought that keeps crossing my mind: "Heavenly Father, what in the heck do you want me to learn?"
That Happy Endings don't happen? That life is hard? That there are good things, even when everything else is falling apart? I get it. I get it. I get it.

You know I see the good things....but for once. Please?
So that's it - I give up on expectations in life...I give up, I quit, and I'm giving up on Happy Endings.

You're in or your out.

Two letters. 

Defines who you are, 

in the ever dwindling club. 

Most awkward moment of my life, 

not going to lie. 

Awk to the Edgewood ward I live in. 

Someday maybe I'll tell the world, 

maybe be -- but

two letters later.......

and I'm out. 

What happens to four strikes? 

Erm...well maybe not. 

That's all. 

Yes, vague, I know, very vague. 

What would you see if you looked through His eyes? He, the creator, the redeemer, the savior, the son of all. After having a long conversation today with a friend about Senior Ball -- and how she feels she isn't good enough and that no one sees her, I thought, someone sees you He sees you, even if no one else does. 

I wondered today, what if everyone took a moment to look at the world how He sees it? I saw a boy today, he is quiet and kind. He told the girl next to me that she looked beautiful today. When the world looks at him they see that he is not the most talented, or not the smartest, or not the most attractive, he doesn't have washboard abs or built arms or broad shoulders, and you know he may not even be the kindest -- but he made her day I watched this girl smile. I thought about how Christ must see him, this boy, that he gave a compliment and made someone's burden lighter. 

Now, in no way am I saying that I am perfect. I still hopelessly stare at the boy I like and think about how I think he is attractive. I'm still the girl that gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror, just to say, well I guess I'm not good enough yet. But you know, what if everyone woke up in the morning and said to themselves....."wow, I am great". I realize that maybe some of you do, and maybe I should -- but as I said, I'm not perfect.

So I guess I have a challenge, maybe today take a moment to look at someone that you normally wouldn't see and see them how He would see them, or even try to see how He would see you. 

By: Emma Marie.

Imagine. 

You're sitting in a car, 

in the middle of an intersection. 

The other cars are racing by you -- 

and you are completely alone. 

You can't go anywhere, 

if you turn either way you'll hit oncoming traffic. 

If you go straight, there is another car in the same place you are,

the waiting place. 

All you're waiting for is the light to change, 

so that you can run, 

run far away.
So you can take the new path in front of you
and just hit the road.

You're trying to breath beyond the windshield glass. 

Until you realize, it might be okay....

because that other car in the waiting place,
for a moment even though you'll turn to go different ways,
you are the same.
It's the moment where you can completely connect.
I'm afraid to say that moments like that don't come everyday.
In fact they only come once in a lifetime for most people.
And if you missed your moment with that person,
the only way to get back again
is to take your own path away
and hope that you find yourself one day in the same intersection.

Portrait Sessions

by: Emma Marie Photography

-Unlimited Outfits

-Unlimited Locations 

(within the Provo area, choose your own)

-Only $30/hour!

Extras: 

CD (high & low resolution photos included) - $3 each

Hair/Makeup - $7 (depending on availability)

Prints - negotiable 

Please pass this long to anyone you know who might be interested in senior pictures or would just like a portrait session to capture a wonderful moment in their life!

Thanks

-Emma Marie

Deep down what do you feel?

Fear is what gives us doubt. 

Sometimes out of Spring Break homework avoidance

and along with doing senior pictures for one of my best friends --

I take lots of pictures of myself doing ridiculous things with a picture frame. 

No idea. But maybe you'll enjoy?

Comments appreciated. That is all. 

But maybe, I keep saying maybe to you and me.

[Comments Welcome]