"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, confused by the grace that so fully he proffers me."

 In all honesty, I have never really had a  love for the song "I Stand All Amazed" -- but that was simply because it never meant that much to me. I came to a point today where everything I've worked for this past year was hanging on the edge of a few stupid decisions and procrastination. I don't think that I've been that scared in a long time. I couldn't really stand and I couldn't really sit, I couldn't really pace and the only place that I could find myself was on my knees praying to my Father to help this work out.

For those of you who are in college, or for those of you who aren't -- professors don't usually make deals with students. If you didn't do/be where you were supposed to be, tough luck. Today though one of the well-known merciless professors, was gracious. I do not know why he decided to do that, but I do know who was behind it all. For that I just have to say, Thank You. 

You know I have always wondered why Heavenly Father loves me so much, I see his children every day and say of course he loves them - look at them, how wonderful they are. Or I look at someone who is struggling and say, do not bless me today, give it to them instead - I can do this on my own. 

The wonderful thing is, that the Lord never leaves you. Yes, it is incredibly hard to stand and say I will learn what you want me to learn, I will be what you want me to be and if you think I can overcome this challenge than by golly I can do this. It's hard to find yourself somewhere where you have to let him guide your life and you be an instrument, but it begs the question, was it really ever your life in the first place?

Today I came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father knows you so well, that he knows that the precise moment when you will not be able to stand anymore, so that when you fall he can show you He is still there and He still cares. I have a very dear friend of mine who is trying to live life without God. I cannot begin to fathom how that is even possible. In my life I spend a lot of my day learning about things that most would consider rather boring, or even gross, or even an incidental mishap in the world that it such a tiny piece of it, it doesn't matter. Have you thought about how a neuron works? It is this little impulse conduction cell and there are millions of them and inside of them there are tiny little ions, and inside of those are subatomic particles and inside of those are sub sub atomic particles and it's just endless, it something from nothing, but it's not nothing it is something. How could there not be a God? Evolution you say? So who made the Monkey that evolved from moss? Who made the moss? Who made the living cell that made the moss? Who made the planet? The big bang? What created the universe so that this big bang could have something to bang up? It's just incredible to me. 

Granted thinking about all of life in this perspective makes me quite minuscule, in fact it makes me feel less important than the moss, because hey, humanity didn't evolve from me - what'd I do? And then I think, I am His child, that's what I did. I decided to come to this earth to help people and be something and gain greater light. The moss isn't going to start glowing anytime soon I would presume, so I think that makes me and the rest of you pretty important.  

When I look at people, I can see the light in their eyes, in your eyes. Now, not to be cheesy, but The Lion King, He lives in you -- and I'm not talking about Mufasa here. So what do you do with that light? I thought a lot today about if I had to write a thank you letter to my Heavenly Father what would I say? Would I write about being cooler than moss? Would I thank him for the little things like sub sub sub atomic particles? Would I thank him for using me as an instrument? Would I thank him for blessing someone else and letting me struggle a little bit more? .....and how would he write back?

The only question I could really come to answer was this, that His letter would start "My child, my child, my Emma". The picture with this post is a sketch by David Bowman, entitled "My Child" (which I didn't actually discover until today).  It is one of my favorites, because it is how I picture Christ coming and hugging each and everyone of us. He will come and He will know you -- because he knows you now, but do you know him?   

All I can say is that I can't wait for the day when I will hear that familiar voice say, "My child, my child, my Emma" -- as he will pull me into a warm embrace, and say "welcome home, I have missed you, oh how I love you" -- and then as I will be able to watch as my brothers and sisters come home and receive the same wonderful welcome, what a great day that will be. 

I know this has been a long post, but I felt I needed to share some thoughts. 

I know that god lives and that he loves us and he knows each of us personally, these past couple of weeks that phrase has been tried and tested over and over again and it still proves true. 

He lives and why he lives all sing, He lives my prophet, priest and king. 

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to be ridiculously cynical and frustrated for this post....so, if you don't want to read it just disregard it - for now though, I'm going to vent.
That is all - end of message 
---------------

I want a scene where the music is blasting,where everyone smiles and waves at you -
where you smile at the person across from you because at the end of the day, you're the person they wanted to be there with - where ever there is. And every promise that was every bragged about are truly meant and kept. Where outside was in and inside was out - and everything that actually mattered came first.

My life has always seemed to be a little more hectic than normal. Going to school Monday-Saturday for 50 hours a week and then scrambling over whatever other project I've gotten myself involved in - plus friends, callings, working ten hours a week and babysitting for my family, it really doesn't give me much time to breathe anymore. Thank goodness it's almost over. UVU ends next week, THS ends in 34 days.

Don't get me wrong I loved high school, simply because I love learning.
I just hate the end of it where you have to be something or someone or even just yourself.
Any of the above options seem impossible hard, and for what, does it matter?
I mean lets face it in the end were all going to go our separate ways ...and see each other in 15 years when we have to go to those reunions. And are we really going to show up anyways? Well yes, I am, but still.

Sometimes I think that life is so fake. It's a test of something else, and when are tests ever reality.
There is a life beyond this test, right? Yes. I am inclined to believe there is.
And when it seems like every movie has a "Happy Ending" - I keep asking, can't I have mine for once?
Maybe I'm just not a happy person...so that therefore exempts me from such endings. 

I'm not sure anymore, I'm not really sure.

The thought that keeps crossing my mind: "Heavenly Father, what in the heck do you want me to learn?"
That Happy Endings don't happen? That life is hard? That there are good things, even when everything else is falling apart? I get it. I get it. I get it.

You know I see the good things....but for once. Please?
So that's it - I give up on expectations in life...I give up, I quit, and I'm giving up on Happy Endings.

You're in or your out.

Two letters. 

Defines who you are, 

in the ever dwindling club. 

Most awkward moment of my life, 

not going to lie. 

Awk to the Edgewood ward I live in. 

Someday maybe I'll tell the world, 

maybe be -- but

two letters later.......

and I'm out. 

What happens to four strikes? 

Erm...well maybe not. 

That's all. 

Yes, vague, I know, very vague. 

What would you see if you looked through His eyes? He, the creator, the redeemer, the savior, the son of all. After having a long conversation today with a friend about Senior Ball -- and how she feels she isn't good enough and that no one sees her, I thought, someone sees you He sees you, even if no one else does. 

I wondered today, what if everyone took a moment to look at the world how He sees it? I saw a boy today, he is quiet and kind. He told the girl next to me that she looked beautiful today. When the world looks at him they see that he is not the most talented, or not the smartest, or not the most attractive, he doesn't have washboard abs or built arms or broad shoulders, and you know he may not even be the kindest -- but he made her day I watched this girl smile. I thought about how Christ must see him, this boy, that he gave a compliment and made someone's burden lighter. 

Now, in no way am I saying that I am perfect. I still hopelessly stare at the boy I like and think about how I think he is attractive. I'm still the girl that gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror, just to say, well I guess I'm not good enough yet. But you know, what if everyone woke up in the morning and said to themselves....."wow, I am great". I realize that maybe some of you do, and maybe I should -- but as I said, I'm not perfect.

So I guess I have a challenge, maybe today take a moment to look at someone that you normally wouldn't see and see them how He would see them, or even try to see how He would see you. 

By: Emma Marie.

Imagine. 

You're sitting in a car, 

in the middle of an intersection. 

The other cars are racing by you -- 

and you are completely alone. 

You can't go anywhere, 

if you turn either way you'll hit oncoming traffic. 

If you go straight, there is another car in the same place you are,

the waiting place. 

All you're waiting for is the light to change, 

so that you can run, 

run far away.
So you can take the new path in front of you
and just hit the road.

You're trying to breath beyond the windshield glass. 

Until you realize, it might be okay....

because that other car in the waiting place,
for a moment even though you'll turn to go different ways,
you are the same.
It's the moment where you can completely connect.
I'm afraid to say that moments like that don't come everyday.
In fact they only come once in a lifetime for most people.
And if you missed your moment with that person,
the only way to get back again
is to take your own path away
and hope that you find yourself one day in the same intersection.

Portrait Sessions

by: Emma Marie Photography

-Unlimited Outfits

-Unlimited Locations 

(within the Provo area, choose your own)

-Only $30/hour!

Extras: 

CD (high & low resolution photos included) - $3 each

Hair/Makeup - $7 (depending on availability)

Prints - negotiable 

Please pass this long to anyone you know who might be interested in senior pictures or would just like a portrait session to capture a wonderful moment in their life!

Thanks

-Emma Marie

Deep down what do you feel?

Fear is what gives us doubt. 

Sometimes out of Spring Break homework avoidance

and along with doing senior pictures for one of my best friends --

I take lots of pictures of myself doing ridiculous things with a picture frame. 

No idea. But maybe you'll enjoy?

Comments appreciated. That is all. 

But maybe, I keep saying maybe to you and me.

[Comments Welcome] 

Umm, exactly how I feel? Yup. I'm sure that there is someone out there who has had a similar experience. You fall for your best friend (no world, not who you're thinking) -- and then you realize that they'll never fall for you. It is quite possibly the most frustrating thing ever. Someday I hope that the world sees that I'm not this busy girl who has no time, but this pretty girl who has all the time in the world for you. I'm not alone in feeling this way, am I? 

Alright, it's here. Finally. 

Post 2? 

Yeah, I'm supposed to have 100 things....so here is another few. 

After an amazing seminary lesson, 

here are some more that I (and other classmates) came up with

and yes, I love them. 

p.s. you can see the other post --> Here

I've come to this conclusion, it is you that makes you happy - not everyone else. 

Now, you're probably asking yourself why I didn't figure this out sooner. 

Sometimes I think though, I must not be the only who hasn't figured this out. 

So here is my tiny piece of wisdom. 

At the end of the day, what do you do?

Do you smile? Do you laugh?  Do you cry? Do you crash?

Because that's how you judge your day by how you felt. 

You can put on a pretty face during the day, or laugh your "cares" away, 

but when you're all alone in your room at night, that's how you really feel. 

I thought back to the days I danced alone in my living room and had my own dance parties. 

I thought about how I actually cleaned my room and blasted music while I did it. 

I thought about how I talked to everyone....and was just my happy outgoing self. 

I remember those days, and this week I decided that's what I wanted, I wanted "those days". 

So guess what, I had those days. 

That is completely what today was and it was incredibly happy. 

So my little piece of wisdom? Have your own "those days" - and make it a good one. 

Yes, you've got a whole life to live...but if you keep remembering,

I'm imperfect -- might as well have better days. 

Fact: You Will. 

Mind over matter someone once said, and I hate to break it to you kiddos,

but Mind IS Matter. 

So make up your mind and have what matters....

Ah today, how do I even begin?

I made it on time to seminary. Bell beater -- yep, I am. 

Journalism - finished a scholarship - missed Mr. Mac. Silly student teacher, why'd you say he'd be back?

AP Bio with the worst analogy ever "why would you want wrinkled corn? That'd be like asking a cannibal if they wanted to eat an old person or a young person..." yeah, that one made way more sense in my head. 

Lab partners with Danny? P.A.R.T.Y. Thank you seating chart gods, thank you. (jk)

Came home, worked it all out. Made it to Econ...took a test....enjoyed it...sort of. 

Applied for scholarship - check. 

An amazing magical two hours with Hannah. 

Things I love: Wind, Chapstick, Hannah, Drives, Hills. 

UVU to pick up my lost cousins? (yep, they were lost boys).

Finding out that I'm normal. Success. 

BYU Game - well, that was an interesting game. 

Thanks Daniel & Jared for inviting me. Best thing ever. Best time ever. 

My roomie is here! I love you Rachel. Mucho. 

Reoccurring thoughts today:  Senior Ball - I really want to go, BYU GO BYU GO! (yeah, that's my school), life just keeps getting better, how do I explain getting attacked by a tree?, Does he like me?, I have a really great Heavenly Father who loves me. 

Okay, so I realize this may be the most random post, but I love life. Be your own mind, do what matters. 

Love you all 8]

Something always makes it okay, 

for me to stay in your arms. 

But, no matter what I try to do, 

you'll never see, 

I've been here all along, 

but in a moment I'll be gone away. 

You just never saw

You just let it go

And I've never had to say goodbye until today

Density.

To dense to see. 

To dense to feel 

To dense to be

the right one for me. 

You're the one who was always home, 

the one on the other end of the phone

I'd call just to hear your voice, 

and I'd know I was stronger than the place I was in.

To dense to see. 

To dense to feel 

To dense to be

the right one for me. 

Density.

I live here in some dreamed up reality, 

where you've achieved the potential I've always seen, 

and now you're keeping me down 

for doing the same thing. 

So I'm moving on to just be me. 

I'm moving on from density. 

So I can see

So I can feel

So I can be, 

yes, so I can be just me. 

Today a friend showed me this song. It reminded them of me. Do I agree? 

Yes, very much so. 

It sums up how I feel most days, forgotten. 

Did I end up in someone else's frame?

Most days, I think yes, today -- I said no. 

I was in my own frame of mind. 

Sometimes I think to myself, wow I go to school with some really awesome people. 

I especially feel this way after going to HOSA competitions. 

So just in case you see these kids, 

tell them good job :]

Zach Brown - UHA Scholarship

Sydney Lamb, Zach Brown, Thomas Caussat - National Recognition Scholarship Participants

Crystal Apple Award - Sydney Lamb

HANDS of HOSA - Tayler Ashby

CJ Dever & Aurora Freeman - 8th Place, CPR

CJ Dever, Kristen Escobar, Ikaika Danner, Aurora Freeman - Creative Problem Solving Team, 2nd Place

Hannah Harper, Ashely Freeman, Tayla Salvesen - Biomedical Debate, 2nd Place

Emma Smith, Sydney Lamb, Zach Brown - Medical Reading, 10th Place

Hannah Harper, Ashley Freeman, McKayla Morgan - PSA, 5th Place

Parker Christensen - Extemporaneous Speaking, 5th Place

Zach Brown - Biotechnology, 7th Place

Holli Palmer - Sports Med, 7th Place

Alyssa Loosli - Medical Spelling, 3rd Place

Ikaika Danner - Medical Spelling, 7th Place

Thomas Caussat - Pathophysiology, 3rd Place

Brooke Mortensen - Prepared Speaking, 4th Place

Tayla Salvesen - Prepared Speaking, 5th Place

Moe Christianson  -  Research Persuasive Speaking, 8th Place

*forgive me if I spelled some names wrong*

But really....way to go HOSA and everyone who participated! 

Love you all, make sure you congratulate them :]

Granted the theme for MORP this year is in fact a brilliant one. 

UGLY PROM, 

and I don't know about you...but it puts me in an interesting predicament.

What dress do you buy? And where do you find a dress of such hideous proportions?

In my mind you have three options....

1. The most obvious one, DI: Deseret Industries

-sometimes I think that people donate their clothes here just because they are too ashamed to throw them away. Now, no dissing DI though because sometimes they have the greatest finds. Though in this situation there is only a small selection of dresses, most of which are wedding dresses, that sadly are over priced. 

You might on one happen upon a real gem of a dress. 

Keep hoping, keep dreaming - that's what I'm doing. 

2. Borrow from your mother's, brother's...wait no...sister's, aunt's, dead neighbor's closet. 

-Granted, there is some pretty great stuff in those closets. 80's Prom anyone? Vintage is cool, but those puffy sleeves? Sometimes it looks like you could fit your lunch in there...or another pregnancy. Anyways, this may be the jackpot if you have the hook-ups. The dilemma comes when you have to explain to your mother, sister, aunt...dead neighbor...no not that one, but the rest that you're borrowing their treasured sophisticated stylish dress to wear to an UGLY prom. How do you avoid that one? I have no idea.

With any luck though you may be sly enough to pull it off and it's free. 

Just return it free of spills, tears, grass stains, lipstick, makeup, 

in mint condition with moth ball smell and you're set. 

3. If you can't find it in your local reject store and or closet...you have one choice left

THE INTERNET

If you dare you can go visit "Dr. Google" - please save yourself from sheer terror do not Google "Ugly Prom Dresses"....whoever made their poor daughter go to Prom pregnant. -sigh- I'm sorry dear child of god. 

If per chance you find some other search term by all means try to find dresses, but buyer beware there are some pretty frightening things --- it's a scary dress world out there.

The safer route is to bring yourself to a site like esty or ebay, 

where you can be content in the ugly dress variety you will encounter. 

The problem then becomes, price point. 

For instance, that little blue beauty up there is $49.99 + $11.82 in shipping. 

Granted there are some you can find at a low, low price of 0.99 cents + $10.99 shipping, but let's be honest why would you spend more than $15 on a dress that should have never been made. 

....and the end of the day among other considerations no matter how ugly the dress is you still want to look beautiful, have fun and be able to have more than limited arm movement. 

So the quest to solve the dilemma is on.....

What are your dress choices? Where did you find them? Any suggestions?

I must say...I'm more giddy then a girl going to my first high school Prom to see what ugly dresses the world finds out there, I'm thinking that this prom won't have any repeats...because as there are many pretty modest dresses - I have come to discover there are infinitely more ugly ones. 

[may the creators of those hideous dresses live in the glory of knowing their dress will be worn to some Prom of sorts...and pray the sanity of their creative minds, what were they thinking again?]

Today I woke up feeling as if it was going to be like any other day. 

Yes, it's my birthday - but what makes me special?

I'm sure there are a whole ton of other people born today, 

five of my Facebook friends in fact and Justin Bieber (ew), 

and Ke$ha apparently, March 1st is pretty popular I guess.

Thankfully I have friends who would like to prove me wrong. 

Today's birthday began with yesterday, 

thankfully I have my best friend Mike and my 

co-editor Megan to remember me.

Oreo cake anyone? Yeah, Oreos are my favorite. 

They remembered! Even though we didn't have school today, someone remembered when we did have school. So thanks guys for the highly embarrassing off-key birthday song. 

One of my other best friends, Daniel Donaldson, wanted to make me breakfast burritos -- but then I found out the greatest news of all time - today was FREE pancake day at IHOP (The International House of Pancakes) [umm, can you tell I've been on the Journalism staff for too long?). So we went there instead. It was the greatest thing I could've asked for. The whole restaurant singing to me, free food, presents, it was the best time AND we donated 18 dollars for 18 years. Did I mention the server? Hilarious. 

Did I mention this bunch got all of IHOP to sing to me?

Did I mention David and Emily sang a harmonized version of Happy Birthday?

Did I mention that I've probably loaded up on chocolate and will smell wonderful for the rest of my life?

Oh yes and that I get to go on a shopping trip via gift card?

I'm not really sure that I could ask for better friends then the ones I have right now

and yes that means all of you out there. 

The past few weeks I've had such a hard time, 

I really didn't think I was all that important. 

I was just sure that in all the hussle and bussle of life, I got lost. 

I just assumed that the world forgot about me and really didn't care. 

Boy, was I proved wrong -- thanks for showing up, 

thanks for being there when I needed you most. 

After venturing out for pancakes in the morning and receiving some wonderful gifts from friends, my other friend took me to the mall. We did something I've always wanted to do, photobooth! It seemed quite appropriate to pick the one that said "Made in the 90s" because hey, I'm 18 and I was!

Just for future reference if I ever have one of these with a guy, you'll know - it's serious.  

For all of the Facebook status tags and  101 + birthday wishes  (some didn't show up on this ridiculously long list of all of you, 91 others, what?) I am also extremely grateful, be expecting replies to all of those very soon. I am very excited to write back to all of my wonderful friends. It was extremely exciting to listen to my phone vibrate all day after receiving text after text from Facebook. And you all just wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday! So thank you everyone. 

AND NOW.....well, now it's over, but really it's never over.....

all these memories are going to stay with me just past forever. 

and now a random collection of other photos from today :]

Photo 1: Mahi Mahi with steamed veggies, yum!

Photo 2: I'm thinking this whipped cream with ice cream is a fire hazard, yes?

Photo 3: Did you know they have mesh hats for CPK's lemons. 

It's like a mini-lunch lady hat for the lemon!

Photo 4: Nephews like ice cream and siblings too!

Photo 5: 1st photo of my birthday, ya for cleaning my room at 1am. 

Photo 6: David really? Christmas wrapping paper?

Photo 7: This is my sweet mother (not really sure what I would do without her)

and my nephew. Yeah, I love my family a lot.