just let me be numb, 

Tonight, 

I became just another statistic. 

Humanity is predictable. 

And while I've spent my whole life fighting against it, 

being a statistic, 

I just became another one. 

Tag a barcode to me, 

scan me, 

sign me up, 

for statistic #452.

And there is nothing worse than that.

So what now?

I guess I keep on fighting. 

I fight hypocrisy  

I fight stupidity

I fight the essence of humanity

I fight being a statistic ever again.

Because I am better than mediocrity, 

I am Emma and I know who I am. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me. 

To ask such a question, 

I never thought that I could. 

I never thought I would.

 Then get the answer that I got. 

I think that you're asking for the wrong reasons. 

It's the wrong time.  

It's the wrong place. 

Patience. 

I have this life that I need to live, 

let me breath a little. 

Let me take these wings you gave me 

and fly away. 

Will you still be here when I get back?

I have all these dreams. I'm a Neuroscience major, I need to go to school, I need to get good grades, I want to go to graduate school. I want to go on a study abroad to Africa. To write letters to far off places and have a little romance, to accomplish something beautiful. I think I'm still waiting for the perfect love story. I'm scared, but I'm so excited that He didn't say no. It's all about my choices in the end. This is so important though, it's all so important. I need to wait for my sister, my best friend, my mother, my father, everything that I know. 

Let's face it, I still need to grow. 

I'm young - but you're the sweetest person I've ever known. The thing that scares me more, is that you could fit in with my plans. You were never apart of the plan. I never thought, I never thought. It's a scary thing to me, to say what you want me to say, to do what you want me to do, to be, to be that. I'm terrified. And yet at the same time, it's the happiest thing that could happen. What would they all think though? Is this crazy? Is this right? I said that I would never, I said that I would never, but when do my nevers ever work out. It's weird to think that I'm talking about it, that I'm even thinking about it. Too fast, maybe? Too quick, maybe? Take two steps back just to let me breath. Just to let me take a step back and see. 

Happiness is all relative, but, of course she said, of course He said, of course. 

This was not part of the plan, you were not part of the plan. 

But really, when does life ever go according to plan?

So, let me take these wings you gave me, and fly away. 

Will you still be here when I get back?

I sat down today, I took a deep breath, and while I know you want me to say yes, 

.....and I said no. 

No, not right now. 

I have to many dreams to live to tie down these wings just yet. 

I gave my heart away one day, 

in a little tiny box. 

I took the bows and Christmas wrap 

and packaged it right up. 

I gave it to this boy I loved, 

and so he took it then. 

I thought he must have smashed it, 

because I did not think it would ever live again. 

It tore, and teared and ripped away, 

from my broken little spirit. 

I was such a silly little girl, 

with such a yearning to be near it. 

But I had given it to him that day, 

my heart there in a box. 

I thought to never see it again, 

but, tonight that boy took out a key and lock. 

He said to me, 

my silly little girl - look how you have grown. 

You're such a beautiful young woman and for now, 

I hope to finally give your heart a home. 

He took the key, 

unlocked the box for to which that lock was tied. 

And in it, I found that my heart had never died. 

It's safe you see, he said to me. 

No breaks, nor bruises here. 

I kept it for a little while, so I could keep it near. 

I know you yearned to have it back, 

but really it was mine. 

In turn he took a little box 

and put in my hands his time. 

I opened up the lid and found a little silver watch. 

It ticked away, and tocked away, 

and then he said, 

for you it cannot stop. 

I looked at him and knew the words I could not say, 

I almost hoped he'd ask, 

will you come away with me today?

For as long as my heart will love, 

and lives in his little tiny box. 

And as long as his time still ticks for me, 

my heart will never stop. 

He kissed my head and held me close and whispered in my ear, 

my dearest, little sweetheart, 

you can have your heart back now, here. 

He handed back my little box, 

but it wasn't mine to keep. 

I took his hands in my mine 

and said, it now does not belong to me. 

I watched a sigh engulf his soul and his eyes try to find relief, 

I just want you to be happy, my Emma, my sweet. 

I took the watch he gave me and put it on my wrist, 

and said to him, my sweetheart, 

I never thought of this

For one day I gave my heart to just a boy that's it, 

I never thought he'd make sure it's beats would never quit, 

for now I know this simple thing, 

no boy would keep a precious heart so near, 

because today I found that boy is a wonderful man my dear.

 As I  looked at  him, 

he looked at me, 

and 

All we said, was maybe, maybe, someday we'll see. 

Someday, someday soon. 

And that's what he said. 

"I would never do anything to make you feel or make you be something that is anything 

but who you are. 

You are too precious. 

Much too precious to me." 

I took the pen and let it say the words

that I could never say. 

Took my heart in my hands 

and I handed it over. 

That pen spoke volumes. 

And I just, 

someday someday soon,

 but those are just some silly dreams 

If I dare to even say it outloud. 

I'm with McKann on this one. I would just love to do THIS. 

Somebody take me up there?

Just blindfold me and surprise me. 

I'll forget what I'm doing 

and we can just run away on some moonlight spree. 

It'll be just you and me. 

Confession: I've never actually been on a ski lift.
So, hey, that could be an adventure too? 

Standing on a street corner, 
with the song playing as our faded lullaby. 
And I never would have let you, 

and it doesn't do well being strung along. 

Sometimes I question why life is so hard, and then I think about what a great gift it is.
So listen to the video above
 (even if it's on YouTube because it won't post to my blog)
And you can read this about my day if you'd like......



Today, I thought about the gospel - a lot. When you spend seven and a half hours studying the New Testament, cross referencing it with the Book of Mormon, discovering how much information is actually in the Bible Dictionary and during your break times talking about your favorite messages from General Conference, it's kinda hard not to think about it. The thought that keeps coming to mind is a scripture in 2 Nephi, chapter 4 verse 11 which reads:

"Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ; for, for this end hath the law of Moses been given; and all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him." 

And the more I read the more I understand of the great atoning sacrifice He gave for me and how all things testify that Jesus is the Christ. 

I have to first share an experience before I can explain the rest of my thoughts. I was in the testing center today for three hours taking a New Testament midterm. The thing I've discovered about test taking with me is that it usually takes me twice as long as the teacher says it will and I usually get a score that is 20% higher than the class average. Is all that time worth it? I would say yes. But as I sat with my scriptures taking this test, I started freaking out. I couldn't remember one of the answers and I couldn't find it anywhere in my scriptures and at that moment where I was most afraid some random guy sat in the desk next to me and while I gave him a weary face, he smiled. Then he prayed. And I had this overwhelming feeling of love come over me. A spirit so sweet, a spirit of understanding. And I understood, I knew that the he had prayed for me. And as I sat there and took quick glances to the boy next to me for the next little while, I couldn't help but see that he began to struggle as I had, I knew how he felt, and I knew what he needed.  It was the only thing I could do. I looked at him, and humbly bowed my head to pray for him. 

I do not know if he felt my love for him at that moment, but I knew that Heavenly Father would help him. As I looked back to my scriptures, I couldn't help but think that this is how Christ feels every day. That as we sit and struggle through this test of life,he has sat in the desk next to us. He's been there, he gets it. And he prays for us, every day. For the only reason he even took the test, the most difficult test of any we will ever have to face, is so he could understand and so he could help us. 

While I turned in my test three hours later, I walked home shaking. For the greatest one who has ever walked this earth, died so that I might live. And as I look back to when I went to Israel, I think, I walked where Jesus walked. I walked where the Savior and Redeemer of both my mortal body and spirit walked. I trembled at the thought, yes, I trembled to know that for me He was crucified.  That for this imperfect being that I am, the one who could never sin took upon His shoulders all of my misdeeds that I would not have to suffer as He did. I marvel, I simply am left in awe of the great amount of love that it must have took. To say, I will bleed from every pore and feel every pain of mind and body so that Emma might live, and that you might live. He went like a lamb to the slaughter, unscathed, the son of the firstborn to be crucified by His own people. And as he hung on the cross, even the spirit of the Father, in this moment of agony, had to leave him - so that even He could know what it felt like to be truly alone. As He cried out, Abba, Father, Why hast thou forsaken me? 

Even before then, the moment where He willingly stepped into a garden to suffer greater than any one soul has suffered. As He asked His disciples, wilt thou watch with me one hour? But they did not, and He did bleed from every pore and with His own drops of divine blood sealed the atoning power. Even on the morrow, the He would be betrayed by His friends and His own people. 

Even before that moment, he dedicated His life to being about His father's business. His real father, our Father in Heaven. He healed the sick, even the lowly in spirit. He raised the dead that they might continue to bless the lives of those around them. He spoke only truth, answered every question which was asked humbly and meekly. In every way, he was a teacher, a friend, a soul so kind to those around Him - that even now it is a wonder to me how the crowd in front of Pontius Pilot's balcony could find fault with Him. For I cannot, neither could the Father, neither could Pilot who washed his hands of the deed.  He was the sinless one and yet he suffered the most excruciating pain for sins He could not be found guilty of. 

Even before then, He was a young boy teaching in the temple answering the questions of those around Him who had studied the law and it's intricacies for all their lives. He knew of His divine nobility, He had overcome the thin veil which shields us even now from feeling how close home is. He understood those things which He must do and He knew. He knew without a shadow of a doubt, of the good news, the gospel of which we have the privilege of having in our lives. 

Even before then, this Savior, the Christ, the Anointed One came to a manager. Born with the cows, sheep and roosters is how He came to this earth. It is asked, know ye not the condescension of God? I can say, I did not. But do I know now? Yes, I know now of this. That He came as a babe, the Messiah of us all to the humblest of circumstances. Even from the beginning, as it is said, the last shall be first and the first shall be last. Even as He started was even as He went, descending below station, and all things that we might live. To rise up on the third day, breaking the constraints of death itself so that all might live. That all might rise in the last day to become as the God who created us. Adam fell that men might be, and Christ died that men might live. 

For Him, He knew even from the beginning of time that this plan, this atonement, this resurrection would glorify the Father. We agreed in Heaven to this, to such a test as we now go through. 

And as I thought of all of this, I thought back to the boy who say next to me and smiled. That He even as Christ, considers me, just this simple girl named Emma, His friend, His family. That He considers me so precious that He would go through the hardest test of all, that I might live. 

And I think to myself, what a gift mortality is. 

....just like I love him. 

I cried, 

realizing that I can never have him.

Just as Severus never had Lily. 

I would give anything to spend the rest of forever with him.
I could wait, but would waiting be worth it?
Would he ever see me like that?
I don't know, but I keep hoping.
I do know though that, 

he makes me happy. 

He makes me smile. 

He lets me, just be me. 

He understands flowers and friends, 

he gets me.
He is the first person I ever thought about never letting go.
He is the first person I imagined a life with.

And I cannot pinpoint how we met, 

because I feel like he has always been apart of me. 

Even if no one sees, 

even if I never say it, 

my heart knows it. 

And I do.