Thank You, Heavenly Father

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, confused by the grace that so fully he proffers me."

 In all honesty, I have never really had a  love for the song "I Stand All Amazed" -- but that was simply because it never meant that much to me. I came to a point today where everything I've worked for this past year was hanging on the edge of a few stupid decisions and procrastination. I don't think that I've been that scared in a long time. I couldn't really stand and I couldn't really sit, I couldn't really pace and the only place that I could find myself was on my knees praying to my Father to help this work out.

For those of you who are in college, or for those of you who aren't -- professors don't usually make deals with students. If you didn't do/be where you were supposed to be, tough luck. Today though one of the well-known merciless professors, was gracious. I do not know why he decided to do that, but I do know who was behind it all. For that I just have to say, Thank You. 

You know I have always wondered why Heavenly Father loves me so much, I see his children every day and say of course he loves them - look at them, how wonderful they are. Or I look at someone who is struggling and say, do not bless me today, give it to them instead - I can do this on my own. 

The wonderful thing is, that the Lord never leaves you. Yes, it is incredibly hard to stand and say I will learn what you want me to learn, I will be what you want me to be and if you think I can overcome this challenge than by golly I can do this. It's hard to find yourself somewhere where you have to let him guide your life and you be an instrument, but it begs the question, was it really ever your life in the first place?

Today I came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father knows you so well, that he knows that the precise moment when you will not be able to stand anymore, so that when you fall he can show you He is still there and He still cares. I have a very dear friend of mine who is trying to live life without God. I cannot begin to fathom how that is even possible. In my life I spend a lot of my day learning about things that most would consider rather boring, or even gross, or even an incidental mishap in the world that it such a tiny piece of it, it doesn't matter. Have you thought about how a neuron works? It is this little impulse conduction cell and there are millions of them and inside of them there are tiny little ions, and inside of those are subatomic particles and inside of those are sub sub atomic particles and it's just endless, it something from nothing, but it's not nothing it is something. How could there not be a God? Evolution you say? So who made the Monkey that evolved from moss? Who made the moss? Who made the living cell that made the moss? Who made the planet? The big bang? What created the universe so that this big bang could have something to bang up? It's just incredible to me. 

Granted thinking about all of life in this perspective makes me quite minuscule, in fact it makes me feel less important than the moss, because hey, humanity didn't evolve from me - what'd I do? And then I think, I am His child, that's what I did. I decided to come to this earth to help people and be something and gain greater light. The moss isn't going to start glowing anytime soon I would presume, so I think that makes me and the rest of you pretty important.  

When I look at people, I can see the light in their eyes, in your eyes. Now, not to be cheesy, but The Lion King, He lives in you -- and I'm not talking about Mufasa here. So what do you do with that light? I thought a lot today about if I had to write a thank you letter to my Heavenly Father what would I say? Would I write about being cooler than moss? Would I thank him for the little things like sub sub sub atomic particles? Would I thank him for using me as an instrument? Would I thank him for blessing someone else and letting me struggle a little bit more? .....and how would he write back?

The only question I could really come to answer was this, that His letter would start "My child, my child, my Emma". The picture with this post is a sketch by David Bowman, entitled "My Child" (which I didn't actually discover until today).  It is one of my favorites, because it is how I picture Christ coming and hugging each and everyone of us. He will come and He will know you -- because he knows you now, but do you know him?   

All I can say is that I can't wait for the day when I will hear that familiar voice say, "My child, my child, my Emma" -- as he will pull me into a warm embrace, and say "welcome home, I have missed you, oh how I love you" -- and then as I will be able to watch as my brothers and sisters come home and receive the same wonderful welcome, what a great day that will be. 

I know this has been a long post, but I felt I needed to share some thoughts. 
I know that god lives and that he loves us and he knows each of us personally, these past couple of weeks that phrase has been tried and tested over and over again and it still proves true. 
He lives and why he lives all sing, He lives my prophet, priest and king. 
[In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen]

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

And I'm Giving Up on Happy Endings....

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to be ridiculously cynical and frustrated for this, if you don't want to read it just disregard it - for now though, I'm going to vent.
That is all - end of message 

I want a scene where the music is blasting,where everyone smiles and waves at you -
where you smile at the person across from you because at the end of the day, you're the person they wanted to be there with - where ever there is. And every promise that was every bragged about are truly meant and kept. Where outside was in and inside was out - and everything that actually mattered came first.

My life has always seemed to be a little more hectic than normal. Going to school Monday-Saturday for 50 hours a week and then scrambling over whatever other project I've gotten myself involved in - plus friends, callings, working ten hours a week and babysitting for my family, it really doesn't give me much time to breathe anymore. Thank goodness it's almost over. UVU ends next week, THS ends in 34 days.

Don't get me wrong I loved high school, simply because I love learning.
I just hate the end of it where you have to be something or someone or even just yourself.
Any of the above options seem impossible hard, and for what, does it matter?
I mean lets face it in the end were all going to go our separate ways ...and see each other in 15 years when we have to go to those reunions. And are we really going to show up anyways? Well yes, I am, but still.

Sometimes I think that life is so fake. It's a test of something else, and when are tests ever reality.
There is a life beyond this test, right? Yes. I am inclined to believe there is.
And when it seems like every movie has a "Happy Ending" - I keep asking, can't I have mine for once?
Maybe I'm just not a happy that therefore exempts me from such endings. 
I'm not sure anymore, I'm not really sure.

The thought that keeps crossing my mind: "Heavenly Father, what in the heck do you want me to learn?"
That Happy Endings don't happen? That life is hard? That there are good things, even when everything else is falling apart? I get it. I get it. I get it.

You know I see the good things....but for once. Please?
So that's it - I give up on expectations in life...I give up, I quit, and I'm giving up on Happy Endings.

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
 By: Emma Marie.


You're in or your out.
Two letters. 
Defines who you are, 
in the ever dwindling club. 
Most awkward moment of my life, 
not going to lie. 
Awk to the Edgewood ward I live in. 
Someday maybe I'll tell the world, 
maybe be -- but
two letters later.......
and I'm out. 
What happens to four strikes? 
Erm...well maybe not. 
That's all. 
Yes, vague, I know, very vague. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Through His Eyes

What would you see if you looked through His eyes? He, the creator, the redeemer, the savior, the son of all. After having a long conversation today with a friend about Senior Ball -- and how she feels she isn't good enough and that no one sees her, I thought, someone sees you He sees you, even if no one else does. 

I wondered today, what if everyone took a moment to look at the world how He sees it? I saw a boy today, he is quiet and kind. He told the girl next to me that she looked beautiful today. When the world looks at him they see that he is not the most talented, or not the smartest, or not the most attractive, he doesn't have washboard abs or built arms or broad shoulders, and you know he may not even be the kindest -- but he made her day I watched this girl smile. I thought about how Christ must see him, this boy, that he gave a compliment and made someone's burden lighter. 

Now, in no way am I saying that I am perfect. I still hopelessly stare at the boy I like and think about how I think he is attractive. I'm still the girl that gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror, just to say, well I guess I'm not good enough yet. But you know, what if everyone woke up in the morning and said to themselves....."wow, I am great". I realize that maybe some of you do, and maybe I should -- but as I said, I'm not perfect.

So I guess I have a challenge, maybe today take a moment to look at someone that you normally wouldn't see and see them how He would see them, or even try to see how He would see you. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Life Intersections

You're sitting in a car, 
in the middle of an intersection. 
The other cars are racing by you -- 
and you are completely alone. 
You can't go anywhere, 
if you turn either way you'll hit oncoming traffic. 
If you go straight, there is another car in the same place you are,
the waiting place. 
All you're waiting for is the light to change, 
so that you can run, 
run far away.
So you can take the new path in front of you
and just hit the road.
You're trying to breath beyond the windshield glass. 
Until you realize, it might be okay....
because that other car in the waiting place,
for a moment even though you'll turn to go different ways,
you are the same.
It's the moment where you can completely connect.
I'm afraid to say that moments like that don't come everyday.
In fact they only come once in a lifetime for most people.
And if you missed your moment with that person,
the only way to get back again
is to take your own path away
and hope that you find yourself one day in the same intersection.

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
 By: Emma Marie.

Wake Up From Your Daydreams Dress

Sometimes I pretend like I could actually design dresses, but you's just another daydream of mine. It's when I pretend that I could actually design something original, something beautiful. Life though isn't any fun without please enjoy mine. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Senior Pictures - ONLY $30

Portrait Sessions
by: Emma Marie Photography

-Unlimited Outfits
-Unlimited Locations 
(within the Provo area, choose your own)
-Only $30/hour!

CD (high & low resolution photos included) - $3 each
Hair/Makeup - $7 (depending on availability)
Prints - negotiable 

Please pass this long to anyone you know who might be interested in senior pictures or would just like a portrait session to capture a wonderful moment in their life!

-Emma Marie

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Just Think About It

Deep down what do you feel?
Fear is what gives us doubt. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Technologic Framework

Sometimes out of Spring Break homework avoidance
and along with doing senior pictures for one of my best friends --
I take lots of pictures of myself doing ridiculous things with a picture frame. 
No idea. But maybe you'll enjoy?
Comments appreciated. That is all. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

I Miss You

It isn't something I can explain, 
it's something you have to experience for yourself.
It's the connection that you share with another human being. 
And it's not like that connection is a product of anything intentional, 
but rather something outside of yourself,
that you simply can't fight. 
This connection it pulls you towards them 
and when they leave to where ever they go 
it pulls on your heart strings.
Because you've taken those aglet tipped strings
with the pasty white laces and  tied them in a little bow to theirs. 
And they stretch -- 
but you hope that wherever that person out there is...
that while you're sitting here missing them - that they miss you too.
It doesn't hurt so much because you both give a little piece of yourself 
letting your strings tug a bit on both ends and that makes you tied  together an "us".
And no matter how much you miss them, it's not about how long you've been apart
or how far they've gone away --it's the moment you say to yourself 
"you should be here too. I miss you"
So tonight, when my heart strings are pulling just a bit
and I'm so afraid to let some new person in, to let me miss you, 
but I'm afraid I may have tied a little bow, 
in hopes that tomorrow --
there will be an "us".
And you know I really am afraid to hope...
But maybe, I keep saying maybe to you and me.

[Comments Welcome] 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

THinGS TO dO iN a SHOe ON a mOndaY aFternoon -- Do I dare use words?

Sometimes when I draw during class I come up with sketches that I then reproduce in graphics. This is just how I feel lately, yes, feel free to go read the words, just a bit of melancholy for an anticipated Monday. 

I hope you enjoy this idea. Comments are greatly appreciated :]

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
 By: Emma Marie.

Never really been there.....

You know admittedly I've never been a fan of Taylor Swift. Her overplayed acoustic guitar melodies about the boy she met and all her fairytale endings, just don't really float my boat most days. Until I realized, she isn't singing about fairytales or princess rescues or princes. She is singing about the fact that life is about dragons and sometimes it doesn't end up with happy endings, but you keep fighting. I also upon searching found this quote:

"I suffer from girlnextdooritis where the guy is friends with you and that's it." 

Umm, exactly how I feel? Yup. I'm sure that there is someone out there who has had a similar experience. You fall for your best friend (no world, not who you're thinking) -- and then you realize that they'll never fall for you. It is quite possibly the most frustrating thing ever. Someday I hope that the world sees that I'm not this busy girl who has no time, but this pretty girl who has all the time in the world for you. I'm not alone in feeling this way, am I? 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.