If I Never Knew You.

What if you never knew the people you knew?
What if you never loved the people you loved?

What if?

More profoundly then I could have said it, 
"A four letter pronoun and a tiny conjunction-- if combined make the two most dangerous words in the English language."

At the end of the day, it's the biggest question, 
and if you can answer it --
it will determine your happiness. 

What if I went to Medical School?
What if I got married?
What if I confessed everything I'd ever done?
What if I decided not to go to class today?
it is the single most important two words in the English language.
And that is incredible to me. 

So, after yesterday, the wonderful yesterday it was. 
Making dinner with one of your best friends?
-- oh so much fun. 
Hanging Christmas decorations?
Even better - hands down. 

So what if?
What if I walked to the edge of everything I've ever known, 
and took a little bit of a leap of faith?

.....well I think I have three years until that. 
Oh the other hand, 
I'm quite happy & I have two dates this week! Woo!

Happy Monday, bring on the What Ifs of Life :)

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Just Keep Smiling.....

A smile takes but a moment, but the memory of it lasts forever.
So, that's what you do. 
You go about each day leaving lots of little memories. 
Yes, you just keep smiling no matter what life brings. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Ya, We're A Thing - My Little Guy

This is my guy, right here. 
He's my nephew. 
He pretty much makes my life all the time. 
Do you see that photo up there, 
well - we're riding a roller coaster in that photo.
A roller coaster with loop-de-loops if we're being specific. 
Maybe you're wondering what we're doing in the other one...
Well he's being a ninja - and I'm not noticing his ninja-ness. 
Don't worry, he's still working on not being caught on camera. 
One time he told me he wanted to be a  ninja when he grows up. 
So, for him - I hopes he reaches his dreams. 
He reminds me every day to keep smiling and to keep going after my dreams. 
So this is my guy, ya we're a thing. 
I think he's pretty cute, he thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. 
No matter what happens - he loves me anyways and for always.  
I love him more than anything. 
So thanks little guy for making my night. 
I love you Westlee bug. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Blast From the Past Post.....

You know those times when you just don't have the words to say what you want to say, 
and then there is that epiphany moment when you realize you've already said what you needed to say. 
So for most of my readers, you can just ignore this. 
But this is what I need to do right now, so that's all I can say. 
And really, really maybe I'm just weak, maybe I'm just weak, 
but it's the holidays and you think about people you care around those holidays. 
So I am strong, because if you do this -- it'll take all I can do not to answer the phone. 
Also, it's past 1am and so this is what happens late at night. 

So here is a post from June -- some time long ago to June, and it's the only thing I can think of right now. 

To You, 
Do you miss this face?
Do you miss that smile?
Do you miss me?
Because I miss you. 
I miss you when something really awesome happens - because you're the one I want to tell. 
I miss you when I can't figure something out - because you're the one who made it all seem so simple. 
I miss you when I laugh - because I want to tell you about how silly things are and hear you laugh too.
I miss you when I cry - because you always asked if I was okay. 
I miss you when I type - because typing dots is impossibly hard to avoid. 
And even though inside I know you can't,
 I'd like to think we can.
So, go get your phone. 
It's probably sitting next to you, or in your left pocket, where ever it is 
pull it out of the cover - unlock it. 
Put in the iPhone pattern code, that somehow your incredible mind understands. 

Open the contacts, look up my name, 
call me up. 
I won't pick it up, 
but leave me a voicemail. 
Tell me you miss me too?
Tell me how your doing. 
Stop hiding things from me, because I'm smarter than that, 
and just be open and honest with me again, okay?
I honestly do miss you, not just talking to you, but you, you in my life. 
I realize this is hard, it's hard for me too. 
as your best friend - I just wanna see how you're doing.
If you can't or won't or don't do that either, 
I will understand. I will. 
And I'll keep smiling and be glad for all the times we had together anyways. 
Thanks for all the good times -- just in case I don't get to say it again. 

.....and cue response.  

And that's really all I need to say, 
but I'm not sure if you should - 
but I guess I'll just leave that up to you this time. 
You know me well, better than I know myself sometimes. 

Goodnight blogging world. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Maybe.....In the Future

"I don't wanna be the one to say, "Goodbye" but I will
I will. I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly but I will
I will. Oh yes, I will.
I know if you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go
'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around"

Thank You Ingrid Michaelson. 
That is all. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Two > One

Two, it's always been my favorite number. 
Because two is better than one. 
Two means that you're never alone. 
Two is always divisible though. 
Two is the only number that when you 
add it, 
or multiply it 
-- you get the same number. 
It's a special number. 
The thing is, is there is never enough time. 
There is never enough time to figure out life, or love, or loneliness. 
But two will always be greater than one. 
Together is always better than being alone. 
Really though in the end what you worry about, 
is that 1 + 1 = 2. 
Did you know that it's mathematically possible to prove that 1 +1 = 1
I guess the deal is that I don't really want to end up in an equation like that. 
I'm still figuring it all out in my brain too. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Hello, Hand Hugs

There was this one time that I planned this date with a young man named Jacob...three months ago. So we finally got around to having are lovely adventure, double-date, pizza making, comedian conversing, football overtaking date sort of a thing. 

Basically, I had a blast. 
--going out with a bang at the last home football game of the season?

And then what made it even better you ask??
This my wonderful friends is Kessa. 
Kessa, is one of the kind. 
Literally - she is in fact that only Kessa at BYU. 

Oh yes, and that is Jacob and I having a hand hug moment. 
Wait until you see the jelly fish, bigger jelly fish - 
and the whale! 

This Jacob, he's great. He basically warms my soul with laughter. And my hands up with roasted almonds. He's a math major at BYU and he is going on his mission to New Zealand in four months. I'm kinda beginning to wonder why we waited so long?

Erm, wait...nevermind, just ignore that last sentence. 
Well, besides that awkwardness, there was this awkwardness.
Yup, that's right, Rachel and I hate stick on eye blacks. Last home game? why not?

Please ignore my grammatically incorrect post. And thanks, that was fun :)

p.s. December 3rd, better come real quick like a bunny. 
He's making pizza dough, I'm bringing dessert? Any ideas on that anyone?
And we're watching A Christmas Story
--I can't wait.  

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.

By: Emma Marie.

They're Popping Up Like Daises!

Photo Credit  <--- can be found there. Thank You. 
Venting much? Yes. This is seriously one of my biggest pet peeves. Just because you have a nice camera, and have taken one photography class does not make you a photographer. Your overexposed, picnicked pieces do not count.  Goodness, I wouldn't even say I'm a photographer.  I'm just a girl with a camera, who happens to like taking pictures of people.  Please, please, please, don't claim the title unless you've had some experience first.  It's sort of a special thing, it's kinda of like saying you're a movie star in my mind.  (logical fallacy much? possibly) --but really, just because you have a camera does not mean you take it and start your own business on Facebook.  It's semi-kinda-really ridiculous.  okay?  k. thanks. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Neat, Clever & Closed Doors .....

It's a shot in the dark. 
 Prove that this shot in the dark means something. 
It's scary, 
I know it's hard because no one wants to get hurt. 
It's hard for me to give up these dreams,
if I don't know for sure that they're not what I want.
But right now...
qualifications for the position well...
2, 9, 14, 18, 19, 24, 25, 31, 41, 42, 44, 45, 46, 47, 50
-- yep that's 72.7% here, down 15/55
and really,
I can't even believe I'm saying this,
but I think change will be a good thing this time.
Loyalty means I will always love,
opened doors means I will always seek opportunity,
but looking back means there is always a closed door or two.
Life is about choices,
so where do I stand on this one?

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

finality & withdrawals

I'm wishing for finality - an irreversible ending. 
It's something that I won't have to argue or debate - or even decide. 
It just is - how it is, and you leave it at that. 
So this is how it is - 
life is crazy, 
I can't call my best friend, 
I can't get on Facebook 
I'm out of milk, cheese, bread, 
really want some real flowers to go in the vase on our table, 
and I have five tests to take in three days. 
(Ya, you do that math on that one)
I think I am currently suffering from a
...ew that sounds gross if I say it like that -- erm try again
I think I am currently suffering from a
milk, flowers, sanity, cheese, best friend, bread, Facebook withdrawal. 
It sucketh. 

-Get more money to buy milk, bread, cheese
-Be more stable to have sanity, get on Facebook
-Wait until January to talk to my best friend and receive flowers

Days until I get more money: 9 days
Days until I'm stable: 3....9....28 days
Days until I get to talk to my best friend: 49 days

I have to survive the next nine days to survive


--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

You Have Been the One
You Have Been the One For Me

This is Stephen. 
He's been there for me for a long time, 
he's been the one I've been seeing for two and a half months now. 
Really though, I've loved him for awhile and I've tried to hide it from everyone.
I know, way to be dishonest with the world, yes, I know, but I'm trying to be honest. I'm trying to be better.
Let's be honest, I'm human. I may be Emma, but I make mistakes. 
I knew I could love him since September as he looked at me, laughed with me
--we had a nice little meet cute. 
And now?
Now that I'm telling all of you. 
It's over.....for now.
I'm hoping my best friend comes back to me so we can watch Bones and go bowling and have random adventures at the Walmart  at midnight, get Taco Bell at 2am and laugh until my stomach hurts.
 Go to dollar movies at midnight and get hot coco at McDonald's at some ridiculous hour. 

 Really seriously, when Heavenly Father tells you to leave, you leave. 
You say to yourself, the Lord is first, no matter what mistakes I may have made.
Until I get through my first semester of college, until I figure out what in the heck I want, 
I don't even think that I can be friends with him. 
Heartbreak hurts. 
I built a lot of dreams with him. 
Our house, our life, our everything. 
He is the most wonderful man I've met, and he might be the most wonderful I'll ever meet. 
And this time?
This time I wasn't good enough for him. 
This time I wasn't even in a position to be the one for him.
He wants a wife, and I still need to live a bit of my life. 
To have high heels, and Africa, 
and to say I will go and do Heavenly Father, I will go and do. 

But right now, 
I'm just holding him back.
I'm tying him down to my dreams, instead of me letting him live his. 
So, yes -- I've been in love. 
This isn't the first time, this isn't the last, but I don't think I will ever love like this again. 
[I know some of you have all been wondering what all of these "being in love" posts were about]
And yes -- I'm scared for what this means.
But without a doubt, I know it was the right decision. 

It hurts. 
But I couldn't figure out what side of the looking glass I was on, and...
And Heavenly Father doesn't think this is right time, so that was what I had to do. 
If I was patient, could've had a ring on my finger.
Could've been with a wonderful man, 
who while though he has his problems, as do we all, would have treated me right. 
But I made a promise once, and I intend to keep it. 

So, if you see me - lend me your smile. 
And if you see him - remind him of how wonderful he is, 
how kind, how smart, how loving, how hardworking, how goal-oriented, how wonderful he truly is.
And to that sweetheart of a man, I hope he finds her. 
I pray for you every day Stephen, and that will never change. 
I'll never stop loving you, because I gave you a piece of myself I can never take back - that's yours to keep. 

"Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be"

Goodbye for now my Stephen, my sweet Stephen,  
my lover, my friend, you have been the one. You have been the one for me. 

Love always, 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.


Today I had the thought, 

"You don't plan tomorrows with someone, 
you plan your tomorrows 
and hope they'll always be there to enjoy them with you."

Someday, I hope I find someone who comes to enjoy all the rest of my tomorrows with me. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.


Somewhere within the confines of my soul I've been waiting to get out. 
Waiting to surrender the pretense that I am somehow "perfect", 
and surrender to true perfection. 
At some time long before the word perfect meant whole,
not some worldly view now that to be perfect you have to be without blemish. 
Whole, derived from the meaning of Holy. 
And in essence, perfection as a whole being, complete. 
I guess lately I tried searching for something that would make me whole. 
That would take the emptiness, and complete it. 
But light attracts light, 
and you cannot fill an emptiness with more darkness, 
when trying to rescue a soul. 
Either that of your own or of another, 
so I tried to be whole today. 
I removed the things that caused me emptiness, or things which substituted for something real. 
And today, 
I felt a little more whole again, a little less broken. 
I smiled, I laughed, I remembered what it felt like to be good again. 
Do you know I haven't cooked a meal in two weeks?
Do you know I haven't gone to bed before midnight in nearly a month?
Do you know that this is the first time I haven't gotten on Facebook all day?
Do you know that I suddenly feel not tied down and....free again?

I'm out.

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

I've been collecting wishes for awhile....

I set no alarms,  
I think I just got lucky. 
 I've been wishing for awhile. 
 Sometimes I think it's silly, it's just a number, it's just an 11:11.  
Can't I make a wish every moment of the day?
 And then I think, yes, but I'm saving my wishes for the most important things.  
So even though 11:11 on 11/11/11 is over,  I don't think that means that I'll stop wishing. 
 Maybe it won't be on 11:11 -  
maybe I won't keep collecting screen shots to remind me of my wishes,  but I know I'll keep going
 - it'll be something else soon.  
Some small tender mercy to remind me of how lucky I am.  
And how truly grateful I am that I am that lucky.  
So here is to 11:11 - Thanks for making all my wishes special,  
and keep me going as something to look forward too. 

62 wishes later, and of course enjoying the influx of Facebook statuses around 11:11 today,  
it's been fun 11:11, yes, let's be honest, it's been real.
Thank You 11:11

Wishes collected on: March 26th, March 27th, April 27th, May 15th, May 26th, June 1st, June 2nd, June 5th, June 8th(x2), June 13th, June 14th, June 15th, June 16th, June 17th, June 21st, June 22nd(x2), June 23rd, June 29th, July 3rd, July 9th, July 10th, July 11th, July 15th, July 17th, July 18th, July 20th, July 21st, July 23rd, July 26th (x2), July 27th, July 28th, July 29th, August 1st, August 2nd, August 3rd, August 4th(x2), August 8th, August 11th, August 14th(x2), August 20th, August 24th, August 29th, August 30th, August 31st, October 16th, October 17th, October 19th(x2), October 20th, October 21st, October 28th, October 29th, October 31st, November 6th, November 8th, November 10th,  November 11th, 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.

Alice, Can Wonderland Be Real?

And I'm not sure what side of this glass I'm on --
what side is real anymore. 
The one where I have 
lived, laughed and loved more than ever,
or the one where I am drowning in decisions. 
Compare and contrasting, pros and cons. 
No more high heels. 
No more Africa. 
No more PhD. 
No more Dr. Smith.
 No more roommates. 
No more girls nights.  
On the other hand, 
more laughter, more stability, more family,
 more love.....
And I can't decide if dream trading, 
if giving up and giving in -- 
if this will be worth it in the end. 
I promised I never would. 
So what is real Alice? Can you tell me now? 
Forgive me first love - 
if I really don't know what I want most anymore. 
But I just don't want to trade what I want most, 
for what I might only want at the moment. 
I'm still trying to figure out 
what side of the mirror I'm on, 
and where I want to stay. 
Because I don't want to gamble away eternity.

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.