I should be writing a paper right now. 

Am I?

Erm, well instead I'm spending life in the basement. 

Literally and figuratively. 

I'm trying to write a paper on the gospel while sitting in a spiritual basement. 

Ironically, I spent this week focusing on forgiveness, which in some cases I'm doing very well with. 

The focus was particularly on a scripture in the seventieth chapter of Luke, verse 4. 

It reads:

"And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him."

And yet, 

here I am not willing to forgive someone who hurt me. 

Someone who is basically my family right now and I haven't said more than three words to them in the past week. You know, it might be four, but really that's barely enough to make a sentence. 

My only goal in life is to become like my Heavenly Father. 

Everything else I do is based around that. 

Why do I want to be a Neuroscience professor?

Is God not the greatest teacher of the them all?

Why do I want to be a mother?

Is my Heavenly Father not the most loving and gentle parent?

One who welcomes me home whenever I will come to him?

Why do I do want to do well?

Did He not say be ye therefore perfect even as thy Father in heaven is perfect?

So why I'm sitting her trying to finish up my personal experience paper for New Testament I don't know how to because the thing I was supposed to be doing this week I'm not doing a very good job with. 

So now I get to take the steps, 

(again literally and figuratively) 

to get out of the basement. 

Moral of the story: do what your Heavenly Father needs you to do so that you can be as close to the light as possible and not just in the basement of life. 

I hit a brick wall today. 

Just so you are aware, it hurts a lot. 

I was so happy, 

what happened?

I don't know. 

I quit. 

This is me giving up. 

I'm done. 

Maybe I'll have a more positive attitude in the morning?

Let's hope so. 

I can't. I can't. I can't.
I could say it a hundred times over but I still wouldn't be able to convince myself. 

I don't want to sleep, I don't want to eat, I don't want to cry, I don't want to smile, I don't want this.
I think I need to learn how to not think as much.
I'm walking on thin ice here. 

And even though I'll never be brave enough to tell you that maybe I loved you,
you'll never be brave enough to admit the sadness in your voice is because maybe you loved me too.
But they'll always be something, some excuse that keeps you from me because you're too afraid.
You're too afraid to tell me that you're walking on thin ice too.
That every time I say maybe I could,
there is some line that disqualifies me,
because I could never be that.
And maybe I'm hoping in cracks,
but the more we walk together the thicker the ice gets
and the more I know,
that the ice just keeps getting thicker,
and
I can't. I can't. I can't.

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me. 

Last night I took our dreams out of a box. 

I flipped through the hundreds of photographic images as I lay in bed last night. 

I remember wanting you and I remember just wanting you to be happy. 

And now, 

now I'm not really sure what I want

 and I think that's a bad thing.  

I'll admit it, I've missed you a whole bunch.

 I missed the way you say my name &  how you say hello on the other end of the phone. 

I missed the way you say goodnight and hesitate to hang up, 

maybe I am too because I don't know when I can call back again.

I don't know if I can call back again. 

After taking our dreams out of a box I'm afraid the feelings are all so fresh, so raw. 

So much so that I could.....but I just keep saying we can't. 

So, maybe if you let me know how you're feeling about this, maybe I'd be flattered. 

Really though, 

for now I'll just miss the way you say hello and try to take this slowly. 

There will always be something better than me, rather someone better than me. 

There will always be someone prettier than me. 

There will always be someone smarter than me. 

There will always be someone more musically talented than me. 

There will always be someone better at photography than me. 

There will always be a better doctor, a better professor, a better friend. 

There will always be...something or someone better. 

They say everything you learn for life you learn when you're little. I can't say that I learned how to determine an orbital, what the anatomical name for elbow is or even how to ask a guy for his number. 

I can tell you though, that I did learn the foundations for it. 

I learned how to add and subtract numbers, which with the right set of variables you can determine the shape of an orbital of an electron. I did learn that it was called my elbow and then could associate the anatomical name for it to that. And you know, I did learn how to introduce myself which is the first step to getting that number that you want. 

I remember my second grade teacher used to tell us everyday, 

"Good better best, never let it rest, 'til your good gets better and your better gets best."

So maybe I'm not the best. 

It is proving quite the frustration when there is a really great guy, but then you realize you have no chance. 

If I'm being the best Emma I can possibly be, or you're being the best [insert your name here] you can possibly be, then what else could you be doing?

I'm trying to keep trying and I'm trying not to let it get me down. 

BYU is full of amazing people, it's the cream of the crop, the best of the best 

(or for some reason God felt that they were supposed to be here at this time and Heavenly Father felt that others would be better off in other places even if you may not realize it now). 

....I'm struggling with this being on the bottom thing again.

I think that we all have something that we struggle with though,
guess I'll just keep struggling to be on top again.
At least people know my name, right?

I'm a college student. I'm a BYU cougar. 

[ya, I know we lost the game, but that doesn't make the school any less wonderful, 

the value of an institution should not be based on their football program, let's be honest here]

You do that thing that makes me laugh 

And just like that 

There you go making my heart beat again 

Heart beat again, Heart beat again 

There you go making me feel like a kid 

.....and that's really all I'm gonna say, 

oh yes and that I'm really really happy 

You know, sometimes your education isn't always about what you learn in the classroom. 

More commonly most of you would refer to this as the "street smarts" that you need.

 Well shucks, thanks Timpview for teaching me these things that I thought I'd never need. 

Gee Whiz file, you've come in handy! 

1) From the Timpview lunchroom itself, always know what's in your food. Has anyone ever had a sandwich there and the outside is labeled ham, but on the inside it's turkey? You have no idea in my four years at the school I had that happen to me. Instead, I learned to examine the sandwich itself. 

College Application: Today, upon going to the bookstore to buy lunch I found a PB&J sandwich with marshmallows in it. Guess who bought that sandwich? I did. 

New PB&J application besides the recently invented PB&J wrap, yup. 

2) Another from the Timpview lunchroom, always check for multiple stickers on your fruit. If you don't do this I guarantee you've eaten at least one sticker before. 

College Application: This is sticker number three on this little baby. 

3) You know those days when you go into the downstairs bathroom in the science wing and after several years you learned that if you push the handle in and jiggle it a little bit it'll flush instead of just pushing down. 

College Application: The BNSN building, exactly the same...guess where I go to the bathroom almost everyday because they're the cleanest. Yup, the BNSN building, thank you new skill. 

4) This may be applicable to almost any part of your life, but seriously, acting like you know where you going when you're going somewhere. 

College Application: Not looking like an idiot so people ask you for directions when you're a Freshman. 

....and well, I guess that's all for now.

BYU Discovery of the Day:
Did you know that the BYU testing let's you bring in food. They also let you move at anytime during your test, either from the music room downstairs, or back up. What?!
That would have been nice to know when I spent 3 hours on a Chemistry test yesterday.

Ridiculous Moment of the Day:
 Sitting on the grass listening to people go by. Dear guy, I didn't want to know that you were a "white trash hottie" but thanks for singing, you have a wonderful voice.

Hope of the Day:
As in high school, it'd still be cool to go to dances. Homecoming anyone?

Okay...now really, that's all. 

When your "bangs" get to be past your chin, 

well they don't really count as bangs anymore. 

They're more like some really short pieces of your normal hair that just look extremely out of place. 

So I traded the whole "cousin it" look

-- and Ta-Dah! Bam! There were some bangs. 

I'm still a little uneasy about this side swept thing, 

but I'm being brave. 

So here I go, being brave with bangs. 

Thoughts anyone?

....then we came home and I finished my paper, while my roommates and a whole bunch of others went and watched a movie.
 I went later, but it was totally worth missing part of that for all the other adventures. 

Sometimes I sit and wish that you could just tell someone how you feel about them without it having to be weird, or require some sort of commitment. Why can't  it be the first time you see someone, have them say 

"Hi, I think you're cute, I think you've got potential as to being something more than my best friend."

Because I'm just fine with being best friends....I just don't really wanna hope that you like me, 

if you're really not ever going too. Is that fair? I don't think so. 

You know what, I'm a cute girl, you can like me, it's fine. 

Let me be honest, I think that you're a pretty cute guy. 

But if you don't I'm a pretty cute girl who doesn't wanna keep hoping. 

Because if I'm just always gonna be a cute girl who is best friend material, 

could you let me know now?

Thank you. 

Someday...I hope I get to be that cute girl who is a little more than best friend material. 

I just keep telling myself that, someday there is going to be more than this. 

Really, I should be doing homework, but am I?

Nope. 

Let's see, I have....

A literature paper

Chemistry worksheets

Chemistry Test

Stats Assignment 3,4,5,6 

New Testament reading

and a Chemistry lab. 

What have I been doing instead you ask?

Don't worry that because the blinds were open in my kitchen I just pretended I was a secret agent. I was sneaking around and rolling across the kitchen floor to close those blinds without being seen by those citizens outside my window.

Or don't worry that, 

 I just danced around my kitchen. Leaping and bounding all over it while I pretended I could whistle, so maybe that whistling while I worked would help me get something done. 

Or don't worry that, 

 I just saw if I could bounce one-hundred times up and down on the couch, while having my arms spread out so that it felt like I was flying. 

Or don't worry that, 

I've been smiling for the last 45 min and my cheeks are starting to hurt

.....okay, maybe worry a little about that one. 

Anyone got any ideas on ways that would help me be productive? 

I really am having WAY too much fun for my own good here - and my goal of graduate school.

Maybe I have butterflies, 

and I'm hoping it's not the same old story,

because maybe I really am fallin' stupid for you. 

I wrote about it once....the place I called home.

When they ask where I'm from I say Provo, Utah -- but really, 

I'm from Timpview. 

....And unlike the rest of the students who get to go home on holidays and during summer break, 

I'm not sure that I ever get to go back home. 

I spent hours and hours of my life there. 

I fell in love there. I fought there. I kissed there. I held hands there. I slept there. I cried there.

 I watched movies there. I was a rebellious teenager and snuck out of there. 

I ate there. I smiled there. I laughed there. I had my family there. 

I even had a mini-fridge that I could use in the journalism lab there. 

But, now? 

Now I think I'm homeless. 

So Timpview, when do I get to come home? 

When do I get to walk the hallways, sit on the couch and talk, eat my microwaved dinners, laugh until I cry, get hugs from everyone who loves me, know every crevice and corner (cause I've been in them all).

Do I ever get to come home?

I'm homesick, and I miss you Timpview. 

But as someone once said and various others have repeated, 

it is only awkward if you make it awkward 

-- so, here is to another week of trying my hardest not to make all of this too awkward. 

Here is to yet another week of adventures in Zoobieland

Why did I ever let you tell me I wasn't good enough?
Why did I ever let you tell me I wasn't pretty?

Why did I ever believe who I am was wrong? 

Why did I ever let myself believe you?
---
Two weeks has taught me this:
I am good enough, actually more than good enough.
I am not just pretty -- I am beautiful.
Who I am is the best thing ever.
....and the truth is, that I'm not sure anymore why
or if I'll ever believe you again.

& that's what I decided today. Here.                          While I sat on this dorm room couch.

Have you ever paused to think about the word light? Just try for a moment and ponder what life would be like without the word light. It is no coincidence in my mind the word not only means something that serves as kew to viewing something in the darkness but also can similarly be used to represent knowledge.  I've been pondering on this topic for the past few hours and I'm not sure why it has penetrated my mind in such a way. 

After several experiences last night, I finally understood how when Heavenly Father talks about how he cannot appear to us, because the light would be beyond our comprehension. Now, it may be juvenile but to me this always meant that it would be so overwhelming for us to understand that it would just make your mind explode and poof you'd be gone. Today, after talking to a dear friend of mine, it's not that we would explode, but that it was indeed beyond our comprehension. Comprehending as we wouldn't understand it and therefore it would affect us in such a negative way.This could be comparable as to how Jesus taught in parables. If you didn't understand the gospel principle behind the parable serves simply as a good story that you will remember. 

It is also no mere coincidence that the word light is also often used in the context of the light of Christ or charity (also known as the pure love of Christ). That if you have this light, you have love, and you are therefore working towards being a perfect being. That the light of our Father in Heaven is not all powerful, but rather all knowing and more importantly loving. 

There is a truth, a purity, and such an all encompassing charity to that light. 

I guess, it's just been on my mind, because I finally understand it. 

Epiphany moment? Possibly. 

Let's just say this, light, it's a wonderful thing to ponder upon. 

Somewhere south of the entrance, 

in the Honors Reading Room 

at the HBL, 

this is where I am. 

College it's a growing experience, 

I feel like I learn more and more about myself every single day that I'm here.
I've often wondered why everyone always says that it (this college thing) will be the best experience of your life. No one ever tells you why, they just continual tell you it is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I thought that was to cover up something that no one was telling me.
Want to know the truth?
Well they were both right.
There are a lot of things about college that they don't tell you, as in the fact that you're constantly doing homework for every class and reading anything you can get your hands on.
Note to future college students -- learn how to read a textbook because you're going to be reading them
ALL THE TIME.
Really though, it's wonderful here. Why is it wonderful here?
Everyday I get to spend time with my best friend, who will be my best friend until the end of forever.
You also don't realize how much you cherish someone until they're gone,
I miss knowing everyone in my grade.
I miss seeing familiar faces around the halls of the school that I go to.
I miss that - a whole lot.
Mrs. Abbott was right.
(what did I just say that out loud? yes, of course I did, she is a wise teacher and friend).
But really,
I don't know.
There are guys with suspenders and bow ties and books.
Suddenly being smart and loving science is normal.
No one expects me to be a mother, but I want to be anyways.
It's nice to wonder if someone will fall in love with, just the way you are.
Sometimes it's nice to wonder if they're already in love with you already.
It's all this finding here,
you find knowledge, you find people, you find love, you find friends, you find laughter.
And as I said earlier, sometimes that finding is really hard.
So here is where you'll find me,
and hopefully here is where I'll find me.
Miss you all dearly, with love and comments welcome.

By: Emma Marie.