18 Hours Ago...

I wanted to punch you in the face, I still do. 
Let's face it I barely tell anyone how I am feeling, I mean like I am really feeling. 
So right now I really just want to punch someone in the face.
Most times you'll find what I object to the most is what I want to do the most, 
not intentionally, just because I'm very scared. 
One of my best friends told me that I can't do that, because it confuses people. 
She told me yesterday, in general, I just confuse people.
Maybe that's just because I don't want to let anyone get close enough to hurt me? 
My greatest fear is losing people, 
especially when you spend so much time investing yourself in someone and then they just disappear.
So you want to know the truth readers?
-here is the honest truth about what has been going on. 
There is a boy, 
I'm afraid I fell in love with his dreams, with "our" dreams, 
yes, I'm afraid I fell in love with the idea of us. 
But that was just an idea, just a dream -- not reality. 
He wants someone to love as much as I do. 
Somehow we ended up spending time together. 
We held hands, 
I know that for most people that doesn't mean much. 
It means something to me. 
So call me sentimental, but I don't just hold hands with any person on the street.  
I'm pretty sure that both of us were just desperate for some connection. 
It really wouldn't matter if I told you who it was.
You wouldn't know him, because he is older. 
Which, doesn't bother me at all - in fact, it makes life make more sense. 
In my mind, 
the pieces fit together. 
Right now though, I told him that if he didn't want to date me - he needed to let me down easy. 
Basically I told him to go away. 
Go team Emma.
I don't know what his idea of that was, 
you know "letting me down easy"
 but not talking for two weeks was not what I was thinking. 
In fact, when I said that I probably wasn't thinking at all. 
Another thing to know about me, 
if I tell you to leave - it means I want you to come chase after me. 
I know,  I'm a lot to handle. Maybe I should be less to handle?
Maybe I should just make more sense?
So right now, 
the truth is that I'm hurting. 
I finally let myself cry yesterday. 
I don't know if anyone has ever cried on Big Thunder Mountain before,
 but I did yesterday. 
You know, just those silent tears. 
The ones that you finally let roll down your face.  
The ones where you finally just let yourself feel again, 
just let yourself hurt again. 
You know when I think about it, 
I'm sure someone has cried on that ride of sheer terror, or something, 
but not like this. 
And if they have -- well, at least I'm not alone. 
So, sorry for being semi-cryptic, 
and ultimately confusing. 
It's been 18 hours - still wanna just punch him the face. 
I cannot believe that he went up to a place I consider partly "ours". 
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 
And for the sake of my sanity, STUPID. 

[and if he reads this, he really needs to call me. Last time I checked adults returned phone calls.]

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.