I was determined today not to cry.
I was not going to cry.
It's Father's Day and sometimes it's hard for me,
but really just sometimes.
In the YSA ward today we had RS Prep -
Brother Rich spoke after the lesson.
Let me paraphrase what he said,
In Alaska when he was young during the Salmon runs you could go fishing - the thing is was that you cannot snag nor hook the fishes. You have to catch them. The difference is that you cannot through your hook out and catch a fish in the lip nor hook them anywhere else - but they must come to you because of your bait. He continues, In preparing for motherhood and being a wife you must have qualities which will lure those who you want to be with. You must have the bait that will lure the right fish. As he said, "Become what you want to be and the fish will find you. You don't need to snag the fish."
You're probably wondering at this point what this has to do with Fathers. Trust me, I'll get there. As he continued he asked us to look of the list of qualities we wanted in being a mother. I wrote down things such as: patient, approachable, listener, selflessness, strong foundation in Christ, slow to anger, honest, gentle and continual growth. I stared at the list, as Brother Rich continued with, you will find someone who is attracted to these things. You will find someone to love, who you can live a life with. He talked about how appreciative of his mother that he was - and then he talked about his father. What a great love he had for his father and how he would give anything to talk to him for fifteen members. I sat there thinking - I would give anything also.
That's when I started to cry. Just in case you didn't know, my dad died. It's been five years - so no need to worry. I'm not ashamed of it and I'm not afraid to tell people. In fact, it's my favorite thing to say to ridiculous salesman and telemarketers,who still call for Marilyn Smith after five years - my dad's name was Merlin. You know though it hurts to not have him around. And I know it makes me different. I'm aware of that.
I live in Provo, family capital of the world. You don't think I notice that my mom and I don't stick out like a sore thumb?The first month we moved into the ward, someone asked if I visited my dad on the weekends?You know what I said: Oh I wish, I'd give anything, but he is about 6ft under right now, and I'm not that tall. The look on their face? Classic. Needless to say I felt like a bit of a jerk.
Sometimes I think about how much of an impact I make on people's lives, do I even make a difference? Then I think about how my dad had so much of an impact on who I am. Much of why I am the way I am, why I am kind, why I am gentle, why I patient, why I want to be a mother is because of this man. I think of the great impact he has had on my life. Sometimes I feel sad inside because of the people in my life he hasn't met. That he will not get to meet for a very long time.
It was at that moment when he died in my life, where I got pushed to very bottom, the moment when you're standing on the edge of everything you know. It's when you get ripped apart from the inside out and you have to figure out who you are. And I know who I am - do you? I am Emma. I'm beautiful. I laugh. I'm smart. I'm a daughter of God. I'm going to be an amazing mother. I can do hard things. I learn quickly. I'm fun. I'm funny. I am Emma. Thanks Dad, for teaching me who I am and Happy Father's Day.
Much of the lesson today as it was spent talking about motherhood I thought about my future husband. The idea of marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. If you have ever asked me about marriage you know that I'll tell you I'm not getting married for a long time, but I realized that Heavenly Father might have a different plan for me - and I'm okay with that.....it's fine with me, because he knows what my life is to be. Truthfully, after the Tithes & Offerings lesson in RS -- it's not really my life at all. It's His.
The idea of having a family makes me very excited inside. Have you ever just felt your spirit jump inside your body? That the light inside you just wants to shine and you know that in your life, you must do that thing. There are only seldom things I think about that my spirit does that, but when I think about my future family - I know it's right. I think of those little spirits waiting in heaven and they're waiting to come to me. I'm excited to play hide and seek with them, to teach them how to tie their shoes, to puddle jump, to laugh with them. Quite honestly, I think about them and I'm kind of jealous that Heavenly Father gets to have them right now and I don't. I don't even know them and I love them already.
Honestly, I am so grateful that I have two dads - and it all sounds kinda fishy wrapped up here together, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I've got two dads cheering for me up there and no matter what happens in life, no matter what "coincidences" come about that don't make sense, no matter if you don't call -- I am Emma and I have two wonderful Fathers and I am going to go far in life.
So, as Father's Day ends may I leave with you a thought that my Dad once told me,
"Heavenly Father didn't promise that life was going to easy so keep the corners up and just keep smiling"
And as you go to bed tonight, tell your Dad you love him and tell your Heavenly Father you love him too.
By: Emma Marie.
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