Safe Place

Sometimes I sit and think too much. 
Actually, most times I sit and think too much. 
About what you ask - about nothing or everything at once. 
My mind goes over the images in my head of things I don't want to remember anymore.  
Swimming in a million memories of faces long forgotten.
The silly thing is that I know it's not really images up there. 
Really what it is are tiny little neurotransmitters bouncing back and forth telling me this: 
 I like you or that I'm sad or that I'm angry....
or that really I am happy, the chemicals just haven't built up enough to tell me that yet. 
Really all I'm feeling are electrical impulses being switched on and off - 
kind of like morse code to tell me how to feel. 
Well brain - I don't want to feel this way, 
so deal with it. 
Supposedly, it's supposed to be mind over matter, 
but if your mind doesn't matter, then is it matter over mind? 
Matter doesn't really matter though and then all your left with is your mind that comes before matter, 
but really the mind doesn't matter so in the end all your left with is nothing, correct? 
So really all this something really is nothing. 
So as I sit and think with my mind about nothing - 
I get lost in my safe place. 
The place where inside I can work everything out. 
But the thing is this mind won't let me work it out. 
You don't work out - even in my dreams you don't work out. 
There is always something -- that keeps me -- keeps me from you. 
Construction work, cell phones ringing, getting hit by a bus, headlights, rainstorms. 
I've tried to work it out and it just won't work. 
Safe place, are you just trying to keep me safe?
Really, though safe place it's too late, why?
Because you wanna know how I feel? I feel hurt. 
I let someone in. 
I let them in and I trusted them. 
I fell in love with their dreams. 
I liked them. 
I'm happy when I'm with them. 
I smile. 
I laugh. 
I talk. A lot. 
But at the end of the day, in the back of my mind, that safe place where I lock everything away, 
it knew better.
 It knew that this was a bad idea and thing that scares me the most -
 is that I don't know how to walk away. 
My first instinct? Run. 
So here I am running to my safe place. 
Where I think a lot - and I try to work it out. 
I try to make it fit....
but really all this thinking about nothing
with a mind that doesn't matter
and matter that doesn't mind because it's nothing. 
Just leaves me hurting with nothing to show for it. 
So safe place....take me away, please?
I'm brave enough now. 

--But this is just another autobiography, examining the prosopography of me.
By: Emma Marie.